No
one decides what they will use to “zone out” from the stresses of life (for
some it is more about the mood-altering thrill). We just happen upon it. For many men I treat, it was the
discovery of pornography at a young age that initially excited them and later
became a habit they could not retire from on their own. For some it is womanizing- enjoying the
attention of an attractive female and the thrill of flirting with and
eventually sleeping with women other than the girlfriend or wife that gives
them the short-term escape or thrill they are looking for.
I
commonly hear that men assume they will grow out of these habits, only to find
that in some cases they cannot quit on their own. For those who have crossed
that line, awareness is not enough and it is usually when their relationships
are on the brink (“get help or we’re done”) that help is sought out.
It
is important to note that whether or not the behavior has escalated to
something the man cannot stop on his own (one definition of addiction), the
opportunity to work with any man who is involved in these marriage-busting
behaviors is critical. Many non-addicted
men can be helped before they do more damage to their marriages, families and
themselves.
I
have found that Group Therapy, which calls men to a higher degree of vulnerability
and accountability, breaks the power of the behavior and the secret life necessary
to practice it. Many times the partner doesn’t know the half of the story when
they find evidence that confirms their suspicion that something or someone is
lurking in the shadows, interfering with their relationship. Getting the truth
on the table and having the opportunity for continuing accountability such as
the group provides really helps. The habits are exposed for what they are- mood-altering
behaviors that have some level of harmful consequence to the relationship and
which will never meet our needs for real intimacy- including a healthy sex life
with our partner.
Individual
Therapy is also critical because it helps to identify “the why.” This is the
exploration of each individual’s adaptation to their experiences in both childhood
and adult life. Unfinished
business (that all of us have) is processed so that we can make better choices
and be less distressed day to day. Brainspotting is one technique that is utilized to stimulate and process
emotional issues (see Arizona Brainspotting Center on this site). Education and guidance in these matters is also very
important, along with providing a safe, non-judging place to talk in the first
place.
Lastly,
Couples’ Therapy is where all the gains from the other work pays off as issues
each person has with their partner get “hashed out.” I have special training in a type of marriage counseling
called Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. This therapy has been found to have a high rate of
success. It helps couples identify
their marriage “dance” and change it. Each partner is guided to become more vulnerable so that heart-felt
issues can be shared in a way that empathy develops. This causes softening of our hearts and the opportunity for
re-connection!
For
most men, the processes I’ve mentioned above don’t just help them with problem
behaviors. As they continue to do
the work they move well beyond this into learning much about being healthy
persons. They often become the
leaders their wives and children always needed them to be at home.
It
is true that recovery is possible, more than likely in fact, when a man commits
to do whatever is necessary to change- and follows up on that commitment. A man must work to change for himself
first- to be the man HE really wants to be. The good news is that when he does that, often times
everything else falls into place!
